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یک ازدواج خوب شاید بهترین وسیله ی تامین نیاز به عشق و احساس تعلق باشد. زنان نسبت به مردان، و شاید به خاطر نقششان به عنوان مادر، احساس نیاز بیشتری به عشق و احساس تعلق دارند. غالبا این بدان معناست که زنان مایلند محبت بیشتری نثار دیگران کنند، اما شاید برایشان چندان تفاوتی نکند که در مقابل تا حد محبت دریافت میکنند. زنان غالبا بر اساس تفاوت ژنتیکی، خود را با مردانی در رابطه می بینند که به اندازه ی انتظارشان، به آن ها ابراز علاقه نمیکنند. در چنین شرایطی هر دو طرف دچار ناکامی میشوند. زن به دلیل آنکه آن قدر که باید از سوی مر محبت دریافت نمیکند. و مرد به دلیل نیاز کمترش به محبت برایش دشوار است علت نیاز بالای زنان به ابراز و دریافت محبت را درک کند. اما نیاز کمتر به محبت مانع از یادگیری او در ابراز عشق و محبت نیست. از لحاظ ژنتیکی ممکن است من به طور طبیعی فردی مقتصد باشم، اما میتوانم بیاموزم در مورد مسائل مالی کمی آسانتر بگیرم. ژن ها یک سطح فشار برای هر نیاز در اختیار ما قرار میدهند، اما ما در چارچوب خود محدود نمیکنند. ما میتوانیم با فراتر رفتن از سطح موجود احساسی بهتر یا بدتر به دست بیاوریم. اگر خانمی از لحاظ ژنتیکی بیشتر از شوهرش به محبت نیاز دارد، دو راه پیش رو دارد: 1_ میتواند دم نزند و به احساس ناکامی خود ادامه دهد و حتی با غرغر و سرزنش و مقایسه کردن های مخرب جذابیت کمتری از خود نشان دهد، یا 2_ تلاش کند به شیوه های گوناگون به همسرش چشیدن لذت محبت کردن را بیاموزد.

در ابتدای ازدواج، زوج های بسیاری، به ویژه زنان به خاطر شوقی که مردان به تماس جسمی نشان میدهند فریب میخورند و فکر میکنند عشق و علاقه مردان نسبت به آنها بیش از شدت علاقه ی خودشان است. رابطه ی جنسی برای زنان بیشتر با نیاز به عشق و احساس تعلق پیوند تنگاتنگ دارد تا نیاز به بقا، برعکس برای مردان رابطه ی جنسی بیشتر برخاسته از نیاز به بقاست. مردی که نیاز به بقا در او قوی است، خواهان رابطه ی جنسی بیشتری است و برای رسیدن به این هدف در آغاز آشنایی بیشتر ابراز عشق و علاقه میکند. اما با ادامه ی زندگی زناشویی معمولا زن متوجه میشود که علاقه ی مرد به رابطه ی جنسی مساوی یا گاهی بیشتر از علاقه اش به خود اوست و کم کمک به این رفتار عاری از عشق و ناشی از هورمون ها بی علاقه میشود. با کم شدن علاقه ی زن به رابطه ی جنسی، مرد ناکام تر میشود و رابطه ی جنسی بیشتری از او درخواست میکند که این خود باعث دوری بیشتر زن میشود و بدین وسیله پیوند زناشویی شان کم کم سست میشود. درخواست یک طرفه ی هر چیز در زندگی مشترک باعث اختلاف بین زوجین میشود.

چگونه ازدواج شادی داشته باشم؟

مشکل رایج دیگر اختلاف در میزان نیاز به عشق و احساس تعلق افراداست: تفاوت در میزان نیاز به دوست داشتن و دوست داشته شدن در زوجین توجه زن را جلب میکند تا جایی که ممکن هر روزه کارشان به مشاجره بکشد. زن به خاطر این نیاز قوی به عشق، فکر میکند میتواند با نثار عشق بیشتر به مرد، نیاز بالقوه ی او را که به اعتقاد زن به صورت نهفته وجود دارد بیدار میکند. گاهی زن موفق میشود و اندک اندک به مرد آموزد محبت و عشقش را بیشتر ابراز کند. اما در بیشتر موارد چنانچه زن پافشاری نشان دهد و در این باره بیش از حد نماید با شکست روبرو میشود. آموزش مرد در این خصوص که بیش از نیاز و احساس طبیعی اش ابراز مهر و علاقه کند مستلزم یک فرایند ظریف و دقیق است و عجولانه نمیتوان رسید. میزان نیاز به عشق و احساس تعلق آنقدر در افراد گوناگون متفاوت است که میتواند ازدواج را به یک معمای پیچیده تبدیل کند. زنان و مردان بسیاری میتوانند نسبت به فرزندان خود رفتاری محبت آمیز داشته باشند اما قادر نیستند همین میزان محبت را به فرد بالغی ابراز کنند.

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