زمینه های زیر به شما کمک میکند تا متوجه شوید طرف مقابلتان چقدر برای ازدواج آمادگی دارد:
1- تعهد به تکامل شخصی
این ویژگی شخصیتی مهمترین رفتاری است که باید یک همسر داشته باشد. اگر فردی را پیدا کنید که به تکامل شخصیتی خودش متعهد باشد شما پیشاپیش از مسایلی که زوجین با آن روبه رو هستند جلوگیری کرده اید. به چند مورد از مسایل همسران اشاره میکنم:
یکی میخواهد رابطه زناشویی مورد رسیدگی قرار بگیرد، همسرش نمیخواهد.یکی میخواهد درباره ی امور جاری گفتگو کند ولی همسرش امتناع میکند. دیگری نقاط ملتهب زندگی را می بیند و به بهبود آن فکر میکند اما همسرش انکار میکند. متعهد بودن به تکامل شخصی یعنی اینکه:
همسر شما متعهد است که سعی کند همسر بهتری برای شما باشد . باید در این راه مشتاقانه کمک و راهنمایی دریافت کند . او نقاط ملتهب درونی خود را می شناسد و احساسات برنامه ریزی شده ی خود را تشخیص میدهد و هوشیار است که چه بار عاطفی از گذشته ی خود را در این رابطه ی مشترک آورده است. او مصمم است که به اصلاح نفس خود بپردازد. شما در طول زمان تغییرات مثبت و ویژه ای را در رفتار او مشاهده خواهید کرد.
2- شفافیت عاطفی
یک رابطه ی صمیمی با داشتن خانه مشترک، رختخواب مشترک و حمام مشترک پایه ریزی نمیشود، اساس آن داشتن احساس مشترک است. شفافیت عاطفی دومین کیفیتی است که باید در همسر جستجو کنید. همسر شما باید:
_ دارای احساسات باشد.
_ بداند چه احساساتی دارد.
_ این احساسات را با همسرش به اشتراک بگذارد.
_ بتواند این احساسات را به همسرش ابراز کند.
زنان و مردانی که رابطه ی مشترک ناشادی داشته اند معمولا همرشان نمی توانسته احساسات خود را ابراز کند و برای این عدم توانایی به بهانه های مختلف متوسل شده است. اگر همسر شما نمی تواند احساسات خود را تشخیص داده و ابراز کند به نظر میرسد او برای تشکیل یک رابطه ی مشترک آمادگی ندارد.
3- یکپارچگی( وحدت وجود)
صداقت، یکپارچگی ، قابل اعتماد بودن از صفات ضروری یک رابطه ی مشترک است. وقتی می دانی همسرت به تو کاملا اعتماد دارد احساس امنیت میکنی. مشخصات همسری که یکپارچگی داشته باشد در زیر آمده است:
_ با خودش صادق است: خیلی از افراد به شما دروغ نمیگویند اما به خودشان دروغ میگویند. صداقت همیشه از منزل و گفتمان در خانه شروع میشود. شما باید از همسری که استاد( فریب به خود) است دوری کنید.
_ او با دیگران صادق است: آیا همسر شما به مشتریان یا همراهان خود دروغ می گوید و آن ر ا به نام ضرورت تجارت مجاز میداند؟ آیا همسر شما حقیقت زندگی خود ر ا از خانواده اش پنهان میکند؟ آیا همسر شما مسایل کاری را طوری داوری میکند که رنگ و بوی دوگانگی دارد؟اگر شما به صداقت همسر خود شک کنید برایش احترام قایل نمی شوید و برایتان مشکل است که به رفتار او نسبت به خود اعتماد کنید.
_ او نسبت به شما صادق است: معنی صداقت در اینجا یعنی چیزی را نسبت به زندگی و شخصیت خودش از شما پنهان نمیکند و فقط آن چیزهایی را نمی گوید که خوشایند شما باشد بلکه همیشه حقایق را با شما در میان می گذاردو نیازی نیست که شما با ظرافت از او حرف بیرون بکشید و یابا حدس و گمان از گفتار او، پی به حقیقت ببرید.
_ او کسی است که نقش بازی نمی کند. جای بازی در زمین بازی است. رابطه مشترک جای بازی نیست.
4- پختگی و مسئولیت
چند نشانه از پیش آگهی شایستگی و پختگی همسر برای رابطه مشترک را ذیلا شرح میدهم:
_ او از خودش مواظبت می کند. اگر همسر شما به قدر کافی تکامل یافته باشد می تواند به اندازه کافی پول به دست بیاورد و از نظر مالی خانواده اش را حمایت کند. او می داند چگونه حریم زندگی خود را حفظ کند و در آخر اینکه او میداند چگونه تغذیه کند.
_ او آدم مسئولی است. مسئولیت یعنی آنچه را که می گوید، انجام میدهد. پرداخت صورت حساب را فراموش نمیکند. به قولی که میدهد پایبند است. وقت شناس است. مردم را تحقیر نمی کند. چون به خوبی می داند که مسئولیت ، حرف و تصور نیست. مسئولیت انجام فعل است.
5- احترام به خود
بزرگترین اشتباهی که مرتکب می شویم تمرکز روی این نکته است که همسرمان چقدر ما را دوست دارد یا چطور با ما رفتار میکند؟ و به این نکته که چطور با خودش رفتار می کند اصلا توجه نمی کنیم. هر چقدر حس احترام به خود در همسرتان زیاد باشد رابطه زناشویی قوی تر خواهد شد به همین دلیل خیلی مهم است که نشانه های ویژگی احترام به خود را در همسر جستجو کنیم.
_ او به خودش افتخار می کند. اگر همسر شما در زندگی به وضعیتی برسد که عذرخواهی کند، نداند کیست و همواره خود را دست کم بگیرد. قطعا نمی تواند به خود افتخار کند. همسر شما از شخصیتی که فعلا دارد باید راضی باشد و از اینکه در آینده چه شخصیتی خواهد شد باز هم راضی باشد و برای این شخصیت خودش احترام قایل شود.
_ از خودش مواظبت می کند. شما می توانید به آسانی بدانید یک فرد چه احساسی دارد برای این کار ببینید چگونه با خودش رفتار میکند؟ چه غذایی میخورد، از بدن خود چگونه نگاه داری میکن؟ این موارد بازتاب ویزگی احترام به خود در همسرتان می باشد. کسی که با خودش بد رفتار کند و به آن اهمیت ندهد برایش مهم نیست که با شما هم بد رفتار کند.
_ او اجازه نمی دهد کسی با او بدرفتاری کند. مظلوم نماها و کسی که فکر میکند به او ستم شده است، بدترین انتخاب برای گزینش همسر به حساب می آید. تمام اتفاقات وحشتناکی که آنها می کنند دیگران بر سر آنها آورده اند . بازتاب این نکته است که آنها از عزت نفس چندانی نسبت به خود برخوردار نیستند.
_ او اعتماد به نفس خود را در عمل نشان میدهد. ویژگی احترام به خود در عمل آشکار می شود، لذا در جستجوی همسری باشید که برای رسیدن به هدفی که دارد، به جای حرف زدن، اقدام میکند.
6- مثبت نگری به زندگی
مردم دنیا به دو گروه تقسیم میشوند. مثبت گرا و منفی گرا . اگر بخواهید تمام عمر با کسی زندگی کنید کدام یک را می پسندید؟ شخص منفی گرا ( بدبین) ، همیشه روی مشکلات تمرکز میکند و چیزی را پیدا می کند که از آن شکایت داشته باشد و همواره نگران است و به همه چیز با شک و تردید نگاه میکند. برعکس آدم مثبت گرا( خوش بین) کسی است که از مشکلات و سختی ها فرصت می سازد و باور دارد که اوضاع همیشه بهتر خواهد شد.
برای ازدواج کردن لازم است خود را بشناسید و به یک مشاوره پیش از ازدواج مراجعه کنید.
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